Hitchhiker's (sort of) Guide to...Kyoto, Japan, Part 2 #9

From May, 2015

Just as I thought, I had corrupted Rodney’s innocent mind. I tried to do the right thing but he was so overcome by the adrenalin rush earlier in the day that he became an unstoppable criminal. With four police officers surrounding him – one in every corner – I thought that he would have no way out and he was undoubtedly going to end up in the slammer. I knew a pretty boy like him wouldn't survive in a place like that...

A couple of scenic journeys following our previous train scuffle in Kameyama, we eventually arrived in the wonderful city of Kyoto. This was after a delightful meal in a small deli which had extremely tasty vegetarian options for cheap prices – and service with a big smile. Seeing the well-designed modern city station was pleasing as it meant that we were now among civilisation. We took a walk by the Kamo River as sunset was approaching and saw the very international streets of central Kyoto. We filled up at a Saizeriya – an extremely reasonable chain restaurant – which had served us brilliantly in Japan. Then we took to a bar, met an annoyingly drunk Hungarian, and soon enjoyed the music in a local club.

With the night not over yet, we then found a cosy bar down an alley in which four female Japanese university students sat with a worryingly perverted barman. While the rest of us shared music interests, the barman repeated a disgusting continuous humping motion in the style of the unforgettable Count F**kula from Extras. Trying hard to forget what I – and these incredibly innocent-looking girls – had just witnessed, I used my best lines on the lucky ladies, only to realise all was pointless when they spoke of their undying love for One Direction.

A city famed for its vast number of treasured temples, we couldn't leave without experiencing at least one. We saw the bright and beautiful Fushimi Inari shrine in Fushmi-Ku, known for its red and orange colours and inscribed torii (arched gates) baring each donor’s name, leading up to a mountain peak. We visited the Nijo Castle where the shoguns (rulers) lived between the 12th and 19th centuries and saw the beautiful gardens. And, although it was closed, we viewed the Kyoto Imperial Palace from outside in the almost mile-long surrounding park. Another first-time experience was bathing in an onsen (hot springs) in the nude with other nude males. It was something quite different to what I was used to and I gained some confidence in self-image from being out of my comfort zone.

Rodney then reminisced after seeing the first restaurant he visited eight months after his first day in Japan. The food establishment we visited on this day though, was of a much higher standard. He was fortunate to come by ¥10,000 (£60) worth of food vouchers which could only be spent in specific Japan cities. We entered this luxurious and traditional meat restaurant and removed our shoes to reveal an incredibly off-putting smell of four shower-less days. Overjoyed at the prospect of filling up on high-quality, free food, I found it hard to contain my excitement. This was until it was revealed that all I could have on the menu were vegetables and rice – oh and this ridiculously pointless cabbage soup which was as interesting as drinking celery. Meanwhile, Rodney had eight dishes delivered throughout, his face lighting up at every new variation of meat or fish. He chowed down, licked his lips and rubbed his belly, while smirking at my wet, soggy salad leaves. Even our dessert was below par so the sooner we left the godforsaken, unaccommodating place, the better.

So, looking for a cheap place to sleep in Kyoto, we entered an Internet café. By this I don't mean a place where you pay a few quid for an hour to surf the web. Oh no, this was quite different. You pay for a private room with a TV and a DVD player…to sample their enormous collection of porn. Obviously our only intention was purely to sleep somewhere indoors for the night, and for the price of ¥2000 (£12) we couldn't say no. Unfortunately, this was too expensive for Rodney, and he devised an oh-so-cunning plan. I entered, paid for eight hours, (browsed) and went to my room. He then entered, paid for an hour and joined my room, hoping to have saved a tenner on a night's accommodation. Seeing him join my room, the manager was furious and – although we couldn't understand a single word – he either thought we wanted the watch the DVDs together or we were taking the piss. Either way, he wasn't happy. The two of them argued and Rodney trudged to his room – but didn't leave for eight hours. When we woke up, they continued to argue and he owed nearly ¥4000 for overstaying his time. With Rodney stubbornly refusing to pay – despite it clearly being our fault – the manager threatened to call the police. He called his bluff and there he was, faced with four officers and nowhere to turn. He insisted he wasn't paying due to ‘bad service’ as I laughed in the background at his idiocy and he then eventually paid the due amount. What a plonker.